i cannot be left alone with my thoughts. they abuse me. the blade tempts me.
they taunt me. someone inside my head knows how to alter my mood to shit and they broke the switch. or maybe its just my pms. i can’t tell.
my mind keeps reminding myself of all the nasty shit i’ve done to people, and then when i think of the nice thing’s i’ve done… i think of the people i did it for. how sad they were. how they didnt deserve the evil things taunting them within. how they need to live just like you and I.
sometimes my mind fucks with me to the point where when i see someone EAT it makes me uncomfortable and weird and awkward… THATS NOT ME!. ISNT THAT FUCKING FUCKED?! ITS FUCKING FUUUCKED.
but i think it mostly comes down to money to be completely honest.
i hate money. so much. even having it i feel disgusting.
even though i need it to fucking live on this greedy planet.
i HAAATE seeing rich people. HATE IT.
they spend so much fucking money on shit they don’t need and there’s people all over the fucking world who need $5 to eat and can’t even get it.
not because they’re incapable… but because society has deemed the lower class as unimportant. if you’re not high-class, you’re nobody.
WELL FUCK YOU TOO, HUMANITY. I KNOW I’M A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND ME EVERY FUCKING FIVE SECONDS.
even on tumblr, i see all these people that are so much more gorgeous, lovely, luscious, known, fit, amazing, loved and privileged.
and then i turn my head and look in the mirror. i see pimples, grease, fat, hate, confusion, tears, grief, walls, scars and history.
even though i have literally the most amazing boyfriend in the world who goes completely out of his way to make me feel better, i feel like shit. why?
because he’s scared i’m gonna cheat on him. he’s scared i’ll get bored. he’s scared that i’m lying to him about liking him like fuck i can’t even be in a relationship without my natural self fucking things up. sure, i have a lot of guy friends… but i’ve had that for years and i never did anything with them! so why would i now if i have a fucking boyfriend?
but i actually do feel like i treat him like shit and he deserves so much better then me, honestly. i’m a bitch sometimes. i’m a fucking idiot with sarcasm so i take joke insults seriously sometimes. i nom like a fucking horse. i’ve already cried so much infront of him he’s probably getting annoyed. i’m a fucking rollercoaster. i actually like him so fucking much and i’m spinning him out of control.
HE’S EVEN STOPPED TRYING IN SCHOOL NOW BECAUSE OF ME I’M FUCKING TERRIBLE.
i cant even handle myself so how the fuck is he gonna handle me?
i fucking give up. i’m in the worst state of mind. not even toking will cheer me up.
i’m gonna blame this rant on the PMS from my period that hasn’t fucking started yet.
but i’m taking the blame for the thought’s.
i don’t know what to do.